I can't believe my five year old climbed to the top of this rock wall. To say that this gives me a little shiver of delight is an understatement. I was so shy at Emma's age and fear had a mighty grip on me. I would be enslaved to fear well into adulthood. I can remember vividly the day God delivered me from the stronghold of fear. This is not to say that I'm not afraid of things or that fear doesn't creep up in my life. What I mean is my fear is not cutting off my spiritual circulation so to speak. I am not obsessing about my fears. It is not robbing me of intimacy with family, friends, and most importantly God. Fear was like metal shackles around my ankles for many, many years.
When I was young I can remember having totally irrational fears. Fears you could put in the "crazy box". Fears that "if I walked out my front door a tornado was going to sweep me up so I didn't want to leave the house", kind of fears. A lot of the women in my family were fearful and while my mom worked part-time I was looked after by my great-grandmother. Most would describe her as a "worry wart" and she was very overprotective of me. I don't know how much that contributed to my fears.
I remember in elementary school unfortunately going along with a classmate of mine and writing letters to some older high school students that rode our bus. The letters jokingly made fun of them. Considering how shy I was I can't believe I let my friend talk me into this. We gave them to them and they were irate and not amused. After that I did not want to leave my house EVER. I was sure that wherever I went I would run into them and they would beat me up.
Even in my teen years I was plagued by fear and anxiety, even though I was no longer shy much to my parents' dismay. I had discovered dating and was wholeheartedly enjoying it. In those years my anxiety was manifested in perfectionism. I started to have very high standards of myself. In high school I was a cheerleader, prom court princess, homecoming court princess, and student body Vice President. I would have been crushed if I wasn't. I have to be perfect, remember? So, I strived hard to be all that I thought I should be in high school. Although I was brought up in a Christian household, I didn't really have a real relationship with Jesus until high school. I started to wonder who and why am I doing all this for? And why is anxiety and fear choking the ever-loving life out of me?
In college, I cried out to God, to take away my fears and anxieties. Poof! They were gone! Yea right! You know how that works right? Grin. God has his timing and his own way of working you through your stronghold so that your character is refined in just the way He would have it. Oh yeah, and when you start to rely on God to help you kick a stronghold . . . there's that pesky Satan knocking on your shoulder. He certainly doesn't want you getting closer to God!
In the coming years of college and early marriage. I would probably have the most anxiety of my life, and yet still step out in faith in ways that were unfathomable to me. I stepped out in big and little ways, only by the grace of God. I moved hours away from my family and Marty for graduate school to be completely on my own. Then I moved near Charlotte to work my first "real" job after college. After that I would move 12 hours away from our families to start a life with Marty. I would look at an ad in the phone book and go to this school and say, "This is my dream job. Please hire me. You won't be sorry" . . . . and it was. In Memphis, I would teach a huge PreK Sunday school class in what I would describe as the most ginormous church I have ever been in. I would rollerblade around a prison for exercise (all right, that was just stupid). I would raft the Gauley river of catagory 5+ rapids in a wetsuit in freezing temperatures. I would move back to WV and vow to change the way people view deafness. I would found a non-profit organization that helps deaf families and deaf adults. I would teach graduate level distance learning courses at WVU. Please don't mistake this as bragging. This is to say that if God can help the most anxiety-laden woman step out in faith, he can deliver anyone from their fears. Even through this things that God was orchestrating, I still would return to the comfort of fear and anxiety. Sounds like an oxymoron, right? Well, I think sometimes our strongholds do become comfortable and it scares us to think of our lives being different. It wasn't until November 2004 that I really felt God had truly delivered me from this stronghold. I finally laid the stronghold down, and did not pick it back up again like I had done so many times before.
When I labored with Reese we kept losing his heartbeat. I lay on that bed and listened to the doctors and nurses discussing how he (Reese) couldn't handle much more labor. They were going to be hard pressed to get him out in enough time with a C-section. Things were critical and we needed him out now so that there would not be neurological damage. I knew in that moment as I lay helpless on that bed, that I could not "do" anything that would take my fear and anxiety away. Only God could do it. He was in control. The question remained, "Would I trust Him?"
Reese was delivered in two minutes. Seriously! He was completely heatlthy. Although, just like his birth, he has been anything but predictable.
Whatever stronghold has enslaved you, know this . . . . God is bigger than that. He can and will deliver you if you let Him. I know God is going to ask me to step out in faith in more things throughout my lifetime. I will not let fear stop me from living out my purpose while on this earth. I know some things He is going to ask of me are going to make me wildly uncomfortable. I'm going to pray that in that moment, I will say, "Yes, Lord. Have Your way with me."
"Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." Ephesians 3:20
No comments:
Post a Comment